Booking a ’90 day dinner’ could help you get some much needed perspective
'It's an opportunity to appreciate achievements, no matter how small.'
From break ups to work woes, when you’re going through something big, it’s hard to see the wood from the trees.
You can’t imagine a time when whatever it is that’s happening won’t feel life altering-ly huge.
It’s always important to try and gain a little perspective, and that’s where the 90 day dinner comes in.
Introduced by TikToker Bec, who goes by @queer_quarterback on the video sharing platform, she explained the concept of the 90 day dinner.
‘If one of us is feeling in a funk, if something really sh*tty has happened, if we find ourselves in a break up or lost our job, or it doesn’t even have to be that – it could just be like generally anxiety or a feeling of stuckness, we can call a 90 day dinner,’ Bec said.
Bec explains that she and her friends will text their group chat simply saying that they need to schedule in a ’90 day’.
She continued: ‘And we all look at our calendars and go three months out and mark it in the calendar that it’s Becky’s 90 day dinner.
‘The purpose of the 90 day dinner is to provide perspective. So basically, at the time that you’re calling the 90 day dinner things are feeling bad. You’re like: ‘I can’t imagine a time when I’m not going to be feeling this way’, and by the 90 day dinner the idea is that something will have shifted.
‘If you’re going through a break up, in all likelihood you’re going to still feel some type of way… but there always will have been a shift of some kind.
‘Either you’ll be able to see if from a new angle, or there’ll be new information that’s been presented in that time.
‘Maybe something else in your life has started going really well and so you feel a little more removed from the intensity of the feelings you had when you called the 90 day.’
Bec said that the dinners help her recognise that the emotions she’s feeling at the time will pass.
‘And I think this idea of emotional permanence is really productive to shed…helping us understand that the feelings we’re having: discomfort, sadness, anger, frustration… they’re fleeting. They will change.’
And it’s a concept that experts say has value too.
Dr Rina Bajaj, counselling psychologist and author of The Magic in Me says taking time to adjust to major life changes is crucial for emotional wellbeing.
‘It allows individuals to acknowledge their experiences, learn from challenges, and cultivate a positive mindset as they move forward,’ she says.
‘Big life changes, such as a move, career transition, or relationship shift, often require time for adjustment. A 90-day period allows individuals to settle into their new circumstances, establish routines, and adapt to the changes.’
It’s worth pointing out of course that the 90 day dinner doesn’t mean you keep your feelings to yourself for three months – but having a designated time in the future to specifically reflect with friends important.
‘It encourages reflection on the progress made during the adjustment period,’ Dr Rina says. ‘It provides an opportunity to appreciate achievements, no matter how small, and acknowledge the efforts put into adapting to the new situation.
Sharing this celebration with others, whether friends, family, or colleagues, fosters a sense of camaraderie and connection. It allows individuals to discuss their experiences, gain support, and strengthen relationships during times of change. Celebrating accomplishments within the 90-day timeframe can serve as positive reinforcement. It reinforces resilience, adaptability, and the ability to navigate change successfully.’
And, as Bec points out, if you don’t have a big group of friends, a one-on-one chat can be just as valuable.
‘You can do this with your mum, you can do it with your cousin, with one buddy.
‘That experience of having at least one person who is clued into a challenge in your life and can help you recognise the growth that occurs over those 90 days is so beautiful.’
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